30 AM. I have been “working” since 3PM yesterday. : ADHD

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I work from home doing basic accounting. This does not mix well with my ADHD.

Basically, I have a bunch of stuff to turn in by like 8AM. This is a deadline I chose that would have been reasonable, but as always I need to feel the pressure to get anything done so I did very little initially and now am rushing.

This is so typical.

Do nothing, get depressed about it, then put in an unreasonable amount of time/effort all at once, get distracted throughout, stop taking care of myself, and repeat.

This has always been my pattern.

Nobody considered that I had ADHD when I was younger because I was able to pull off good grades. For most of high school I regularly slept 4 hours per night and cut myself to stay awake so I could get shit done. College was similar. But when I tell people how hard it was I get a lot of “well that school is hard” or “that course load is hard”. No, it wasn’t. Most of my time was just swallowed because I can’t focus.

It’s the same now.

I am always working and hardly ever producing.

I’ve been up all night and my body hurts. I will make stupid mistakes that I’m smart enough not to make because I “don’t have time” to look anything over. But I did have the time. I just wasted it all.

When this happens it always feels good in some ways— I love the pressure, that feeling when I finally CAN focus for a few hours, that sense of relief when everything is finished.

But I hate that this is how I run my life because I could do so much better if I could pull it together. Not just in my career, but in my general level of happiness. This is a shitty way to live and I don’t want to be like this. Yet here I am laying on the floor making a Reddit post instead of finishing up the crap I stayed up all night to do.

I’m not really upset or looking for advice or whatever. I’m just feeling sad that I don’t know how to change.

That’s all, thanks for reading along 🔥🎉🔥

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