Visceral. I knew it was a way of pointing out an intense emotion but finally decided to look up the definition “felt in or as if in the internal organs of the body”. Often we lack the words to describe our emotions well and often those emotions are more intense than would otherwise be considered “normal”.
I came about this because I realized I had a visceral reaction to the idea of studying that started in college and I felt like I needed to make sure the word was right instead of just using it again. I essentially developed a “gut response” to studying as if it implied starving. I would actually sometimes respond to chores with the words “you get to pick, I study or I make food not both” when talking to my parents. But. Often I ended up so focused on studying that I would forget to eat until late afternoon when I would have stared at the same page for over an hour wondering why I wasn’t making progress. The food was there, I just never bothered making it or thinking about it. I just made more coffee and tried to push through. Instead of dealing with the problem I ended up gaslighting the part of me that actually cared enough to make sure I was fed. Trying to force myself to study because not being able to focus right was “normal”. Now that part of me doesn’t trust me with books, because yes food is more important and books meant no food for a day for too many times for its comfort.
Add the “wall of awful” to this and you have a pretty big deal pretty quickly. At least this “brick” might be big enough for a “door”