I hate this so much. On one hand I’m glad I finally have words to describe this shit but at the same time I hate it so much I wish I could just function NORMALLY.
The executive dysfunction is so bad I’m literally just sitting here at work when I need to be productive. I’m doing NOTHING. I’m zoning out, I’m doodling, whatever. Literally anything else other than my work. I hate feeling this stupid and incapable. Every time I grab my phone because I’m thinking about something else I just wanna hit myself.
And then when I can work? When I finally get the right fucking neurons to fire and follow through on a task? It’s not enough. It’s never enough. No I’m not holding myself up to some unattainable standard I am literally NEVER able to meet minimum productivity requirements at work because of this stupid disorder. And the worst part is that I’m so afraid of being fired over productivity.
I’m literally just hyperfixating on this anxiety and playing out situations in my head of me getting fired and whatever comes after that (probably hospitalization and that’s on RSD). I’m so anxious and worried about it that I sit here and ruminate to the point where it’s almost the end of the day and I haven’t gotten close to my measures.
I feel like my coworkers and everyone else here has no problem meeting and exceeding productivity. It makes me feel so inadequate and just…. BEYOND stupid. You know. THAT kind of stupid. Where no matter how hard I work or try to change things and make things better for myself I still somehow fuck it up.
At this point I almost WANT to just give up and get fired. At least at that point I’ll know what to do next. Right now I am just struggling hardcore and I’m doing everything. I’m making lists, I’m putting my phone on silent and downtime and putting it somewhere I can’t have it. I’m taking my adderall and drinking my energy drink. Im planning out my day. I’m getting enough sleep, I’m trying to eat, I’m doing fucking everything. None of it is enough.
Fuck ADHD. This shit isn’t cute or quirky or funny. It’s not a personality trait or a joke. This shit is hell and it’s killing me. I hate it so much.