Domesticity does not equal motherhood.
I once sat in a class where teenage girls said they needed to learn how to cook, do laundry, and clean if they wanted to one day be good moms.
I stopped and told them that cooking, doing laundry, and cleaning are part of being an adult. Those are not the things that make up motherhood.
But I get where they got that conclusion.
You always hear women (particularly those of us with ADHD) say they aren’t good moms when they don’t make homemade lunches, prepare cupcakes for the bake sale, show up to the doctor with kids who have brushed hair, or get the laundry put away in a decent time.
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“I’m such a bad mom. I sent store-bought valentines to school with my kid.”
“Mom fail. I didn’t get the laundry done.”
“I’m a failure as a mom. I don’t make homemade bread/cookies/whatever.”
Your “success” as a mother is not defined by domestic duties. Domestic duties are part of being an adult — and they are particularly onerous for moms with ADHD due to biology, not some personal failing.
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While your children do need to be changed and fed, that’s not the summation of MOTHERHOOD. Anyone can change and feed children, including dads. You can hire someone to clean your house and feed your kids, and you’ll still be a mom.
And if you weren’t a mom, you’d still have to clean your house, cook food, and do laundry.
You’re not a bad mom because you didn’t do laundry in time. Let’s stop combining domestic duties with motherhood, because they just aren’t the same. Yes, moms do domestic things. And they raise children. These are two separate things.
Your housekeeping is not your motherhood, and you’re giving away power when you combine the two and judge one against the other.
You are a good mom because you love your child, and you try to help them learn the things they need to learn. You worry about your kids, you spend time with them, you plan for their future, and so much more.
You might be terrible at domestic duties (I don’t know) or you might be the best housekeeper in the world. But neither end of the spectrum — or anything in between — determines if you’re a good mom or not.
Housekeeping is NOT motherhood.
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This blog post was originally published on RebeccaBrownWright.com, “Hey Mama, You’re Doing Better Than You Think”
Updated on March 6, 2020