an update about MySelf, to you all – ADD Forums

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I’m at the getting on to get on stage of my life now, and I know how important connection is to our brain, how it’s litterly wired for connection so so I just wanted to let everybody know, I’m ok, and I believe I will be. I’ve quit smoking “knock on wood” and drinking” knock on wood”

btw Naz, I’ve embraced the concept of self-deprecating humor a long time ago however our short discussion about the mantra is what made me get through mourning, cause I realize I’ve been stuck in limbo metaphorically speaking (metaphorically? close enough I think)

3 days ago I put a shirt on, the shirt, a shirt they sold at Austins Funeral, well wake as they put it. 6 months ago my brother and I decided to get good at a prosocial skill, cooking, then college started and I was all readdy for doing my best and I still am, I know hope I operate in the world at different levels and how to create new levels of operation and behavior through experience and my own personal feelings and boundaries. heh right now the next thing I’m working on personally is getting my circadian rythem back to normal(when I’m tired my sense of humor isn’t as fast as it could be)

I’ve been trusting my body, my ego skin, my senses in otherwords getting to know myself more. then my dog would come and lick me for no reason, which he filled me up with hope when I ran out, I know what actual love feels like as an emotion through my dog, watson

god I’ve saved myself and my family about 2,500 dollars so far, I planned for the future, “if covid is going to, 7 or 8 weeks which would be about a savings of 15,000 a year” if my numbers are accurate. my priorities for cooking where mostly for myself at first, cooking healthy food for myself then others, got good enough that then I started asking others in the past and hopefully the future if I could cook them anything.

priorities, distill time managment, financing, new skills on my end both internal and external. when I first started cooking, I remember telling my Parents, they kind of scoffed at the notion, what my take away was they think I don’t know how to do anything. and let me be clear, I learned to cook solely on my own basis because if not, I wouldn’t of based on the lack of my parents encouragement, it as thought they think I can’t do anything, the best thing I had prepared was this MangoCurry then I get encouragement from them, and , I know exactly how having no encouragement feels I have 40 years of experience and right now I don’t know if I’m being too hard on them (cause I only have 1 real set of parents) or not in my words.

anyway 3 days ago I started a garden, well I say start I’ve got to tend the earth, when I first told my parents about cooking I think I can do cooking well, my mother treated me like I was the biggest idiot ever, she would bring home fried food when I told her specificly I have to lose weight, and I was more specific on the boundary by telling her doctors orders cause ya, like when I would normally cook she would go out and buy McDonalds

I did all the research for making a garden, took me a few days to learn the basics, 3 days ago I started, oddly enough same day I made the decision to stop drinking alcohol.

when I made that decision was when all the threads of my life, the world, the earth, nature, humanity, therapy universalism, all this both on personal and interpersonal level came together and my mind started to overflow with thoughts after being still from thoughts for a few months

when I described what I was going to do, the garden, to my parents I got pretty much the same response from my Mother especially. I did get encouragement from my Father though he was speculative. in a short amount of time I learned how to prepare some complex dishes, when I apply myself forthrightly I can usually get the job done, and I know some of these I statements are stuff I want to say to my parents.

we actually had Dinner a few weeks ago, that was when I made the Curry (it was really good), I knew my favorite part of the day and feelings so I thought I’d ask them, they told me about perfectionism and then I uttered (which I’m, saying what I said back then now to update myself now) nobodies perfect, and I get the second uncanny part now just too tired to put it to words.

when I figured the difference between consciousness and the unconsciousness, the mantra became important to me Nam, through the inner objects and inner world of myself I got a true sense of time and space and not the Cartesian method, or the Method taught in Science class. the mantra “everytime I don’t smoke is a tiny victory for me”, I’m starting to apply that mantra to all sorts of behaviors but in the affirmative now. the tiny victories I understand to be the microhabits that, heh, till the waters of the unconscious mind. and sense ego is that of the body(ego body) and that of the mind and that of the spirit of me and all of you, well, I had a thought earlier today “there has got to be a better way of space other than inner/outer pshychological stuff cause explaining bions containorcontained is just too exhausting”, I remember thinking “if I focus my eyes on the chair over their, and then refocus my eyes on the table, the reason I have to refocus my actual eyes to denote distance is what space is” the thought isn’t exciting I admit on the surface, just just how ego body of anybody is first for cognition we can, or I have (not yet actually cause I have to get a better sleeping rythem ) been able to plan ahead, or know how to that thus planning ahead to get ahead is known to me.

when I was stopping smoking Watson was by my side, I didn’t know then what I knew now, he was filling me up with the foncifedence I needed, just like when he licks my face he fills me up with love, I found the first part of the grail nam, the inner container. now for posts yesterday

I had a friend once, his name was , **** you not, Buddy roe, I remember saying to him how lucky he was to have a family and because I have adhd, I wasn’t sure if I’m cut out for it, an old thought from therapy for anybody who is still reading.

I was assigned by my therapist to figure out adhd, assigned might be the right word, and I think I have now that I know priority, time/space “both inner and outer”. the common thread, and I won’t say for all, but for most people with adhd is that we are bright but we waist our potential, I’ve figured out potential

I’ve had a rough time with existentialism. but I will say I’ve identified when I self reflect on events through living. I don’t just talk with everybody with saying “I” every two seconds.

anyway, I’m doing better

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