[F28] 14 years with depression on/off turns out to be ADD that I don’t know how to manage. Sometimes the pain and lack of control is too hard to bear. : ADHD

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Edit: On mobile so sorry for formatting.

Background: I’ve struggled with depression on and off since I was 14. Last year, I found out I had ADD which has been hard. I’ve always been top of the class, so I never suspected to have a “learning disability”. The last 3 years I’ve been struggling to finish my master’s thesis because I am not good at working alone, I’m struggling to find friends, and I can’t find any motivation to get myself up in the morning to write.

I’ve had a really close friend and colleague who was helping me a lot. We fell in love with each other, and I felt like I had found home. I always knew that his work came first, which was fine at first because he made time for me. He’s always been my biggest supporter and was helping me find my way in the field. The last month he was so busy with a project that he barely spoke to me. In the meantime my RSD got triggered and I just spiraled downwards. I really needed him, and the only times he’d talk to me was work related. This last month I’ve felt so abandoned.

We talked yesterday and he doesn’t feel bad about his choice, because his work is so important to him. That was really hurtful to hear. The reason we became friends in the first place was because we supported each other’s careers and ambitions. But when we got together I thought there was something more, something big and special. Yesterday I was so overwhelmed with emotions and instead of hurting myself I wrote this poem.


   

Please tell me a good reason to exist /

   

Tell me one that will help me persist /

   

My rock was a dagger, now it’s time to fold /

You’re tongue was sweet and I was sold /

You said our future was to have and to hold /

Didn’t know you could be this chillingly cold /

«What you can do for the world is the biggest value you hold» /

Didn’t know what mattered the least is who I am to you /

You only loved me because I’m one of the few /

   

It was just a silly girl’s dream /

The two of us, more than a team /

You paved me a road with a beautiful taint /

Decorated in betrayal and paint /

My seat at the table is on pins and needles /

You insist it’s my place although I feel feeble /

My impostor questions the delusion you’ve made /

Can’t you see I’m about to fade? /

   

You say it was worth the sacrifice /

You say I can bring the world to light /

Does the world matter? I still can’t decide /

There is a darkness I struggle to hide /

   

Inside there’s a bottom and I wonder /

How much does a gold latter matter? And I ponder, /

Will the light shine bright if I descend into darkness? /

I might inspire you, but I am trapped in a harness /

   

The despair floods, the voices roar /

I succumb to its grasp more and more /

Strangle the voices so I can see! /

They whisper «There’s a way to be free /

   

It’s where the water is deep and the air is thin /

It’s where the wind is strong and the drop is tall /

It’s where the blood runs thick while the edge sings a song /

   

Your destination is scary, but YOU are brave /

You’ve always been able to DO, /

Where others would waive /

Traits that made you worthy of your place» /

   

I almost want to go down that road out of spite /

Why shouldn’t I erase what I might’ve been when I can’t ignite? /

I am just so tired of this endless fight /

   

Is there anything out there to fill me less hollow? /

No matter where I travel the voices follow /

I can’t feel the music, /

I can’t hear the hope /

Will I suffer ahead, or should I elope? /

   

The hurt wash over, I am consumed /

I’ve tried for long, but it is doomed /

The pain claws out of my gaping chest /

I can’t have love, so now I make rest /

The noose tightens, I’m here again /

The ache is a torture, it needs to end /

   

I’ve lost a lover, /

   

You’ve lost a friend. /

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