Going to the psychologist : ADHD

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I (17F) have suspected I have some form of ADHD for nearly two years now. For years before then, I’ve always been described as intelligent, but a bit “ditzy”. I’ve lost homework assignments, forgotten appointments, been disorganized, had trouble listening, and the like my whole life. When it was really stressing me out my freshman year, I looked up my symptoms and found an article about a girl who was diagnosed for the first time as a college student. Reading it, everything seemed to click and I cried for hours with the relief that there was an explanation for the reasons I am the way I am. I’m not just “lazy” or “unmotivated” when I sit down at my desk and CAN’T do anything productive. I didn’t tell anyone, I was fifteen, didn’t know anything about what treatment would cost, did not trust my PCP, and didn’t want to burden my mom with anything. There was also a bit of me that felt like people wouldn’t believe me because I’m a relatively successful AP student and juggle a lot of ECs at school. But even though I didn’t KNOW, I was happy and not blaming myself for the mistakes I make daily as I had done before.

Recently though, I just haven’t been able to take it. Junior year hit me hard in general but, it’s gotten so bad with my school distance learning. The lack of structure to my daily schedule has completely destroyed what little ability I had to focus. I have no teachers or my friends to motivate me to do any work, no environment to concentrate in and I broke down in front of my mom. I calmed down enough to tell my mom and broke down again because all I got was a reassurance that I was fine and just had to sit down and do my work–as if I hadn’t been trying to do that for the past five weeks.

After this, she told me she would talk to a friend of hers who is a psychologist. I set an appointment today, but as we were talking on the phone I was crying silently thinking about how my mom shut me down when I first told her and I’m so scared of that happening again. I’ve never even thought of ever going to any type of mental health professional. I thought I could live my life being undiagnosed and run with that initial relief that I felt when I first thought I had it, but that only lasted about two years. I don’t want to flake on the appointment because it is my mom’s close friend, but I really want to flake on the appointment. I don’t think I could handle being told that I’M the problem.

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