Corona has been a mess for me and many others with ADHD. Everything moving to online courses, libraries shutting, gym is closed. All the things I would use as external accountability are gone.
I’ve had a cold for 6 weeks that I just can’t shift. It’s not corona, I’ve been tested. Antibiotics are barely helping. Between that and being stuck in my house, I haven’t touched any coursework for 6 weeks. This is unheard of for me. I do my best to keep on top of things, maybe missing one lecture every three weeks usually. It is not like me to be this far behind. I pride myself on being on top of shit, even when I struggle I still try.
Now I’m considering pulling out of subjects because I’m just so past the point of caring. My ADHD coach even said to me “honestly, we need to focus on what we can win right now. And before anything, we need to get your health right”
I started a new job and had to take time off because of the illness. The boss was initially understanding and then frustrated that I wasn’t coming in. I had to go into quarantine because of potential exposure and just was not expecting him to blow up at me about that. I’m now going back to work not feeling 100% because I can’t afford to lose this job. It’s 00:45 where I live and I need to be awake at 06:40.
To top it all of, I was talking with this girl who is a clinical psychology masters student that I met on tinder. We’d been talking very openly and I shared with her how much I’d struggled over the past couple of years. I had glandular fever, slipped a disk and was only diagnosed with ADHD last year at 27.
I asked her a question about herself which she reacted too, she then.had the audacity to ask me whether I used ADHD as a crutch. And it hurt, because I ask myself thatall the fucking time – I’m still trying to figure out if I’m pussying out. I know I need to develop more resilience.
No one in my family believed me. Not until I was medicated.
No one believed me when I had glandular fever, not until I demanded that I had blood tests . No one believed me when I said my back hurt, until I requested the correct fucking scans.
Every single god damn time people think I’m just winging or being a bitch. But every time, I’m fucking proven right.
It’s like god damnit, do you think I want to be 28 and struggling to maintain employment? Do you think I want to have to withdraw from subjects on medical grounds? Do you think I want to be 28 and not finished my undergrad yet?
And I have to ask myself, well, do I?? Because I don’t really trust myself sometimes here either.
It’s fucked. I’m angry and I hate this. I hate not trusting myself. I hate that there may be a grain of truth to what she said. I hate that I can’t separate the two out and just fucking live my life.
Very few things are working right now. I fucking hate this shit.