Ever since I was little, I’ve always thought something was wrong. I failed tests starting in elementary school and I didn’t know what I did wrong. I would think the exam was easy and I would always be the first person that would finish. Over time, it would be less and less after concerted efforts to focus, but even in college this would still happen after training myself to spend the full 2 hours to review my work. Reading a question with a prompt or a paragraph would take multiple tries as my brain would wander and I’d have to figuratively slap myself awake to read.
I couldn’t read more than half a page of a book without thinking about something else and before you know it, I’m 5-10 pages past where I started (my eyes would glance through every word) and I wouldn’t know what had happened. Even after going back every few pages to re-read, at the end of the book, I could barely remember one name. Even as an adult, I cannot remember more than 1 name after a book or a movie.
I remember being 14-15, picking up lord of the rings, the two towers because I loved fantasy and I like videogames. I’d read the scene where the orcs are sieging the castle and think “Have I read this before? Oh wait I have it kind of sounds familiar” repeatedly. However, the next time I read it, I wouldn’t realize I had read it before until I was 15 pages in. (I’d always have to backtrack multiple times). I never got through the book, nor learned the character names until I saw the movies multiples times.
This would happen with EVERY book I read. It still happens now as an adult.
Now, as an adult, I can barely remember the names from a movie I am in the middle of watching.
I have always been told as a child and even to now, that I am bad at completing a task. I’d always get excited or worked up about something, to lose interest and fizzle at the end. This leads to many failed attempts at whatever I was excited about. Learning a new skill, an essay I had to write for school or even an attempt at a journal.
I have always been a horrid writer as I have great ideas, but I cannot put them down on paper coherently and concisely. To me, it feels like a master piece at first, but after reading it, it seems like it’s been written by a maniac.
I dread going to sleep because I don’t want to face the next day.
I can’t have a conversation with someone sitting next to me if the TV is talking.
I can’t drive with the news on because it’s too distracting (music is ok)
I can never recall lyrics to my favorite songs
I am literally forgetful person I have ever met. I am constantly reminded of it when I forget literally every detail.
I constantly interrupt people I can’t wait for them to finish their thought and whatever is in my head just needs to come out.
I get bouts of productivity sometimes, but they don’t last very long.
I get frustrated easily if something goes wrong in my efforts.
I can’t remember where I put anything I own. The only reason I know where things are is because my fiancée is particular and she helps me train my brain for months/years to where things are and where they go repeatedly before I know where things go.
I grab items that I need, then seconds later, question where I put them to find I’d just put the cup on the counter.
I don’t have motivation to do the things I need to do because I dread them.
I can’t be bothered to face stressful situations because I can’t deal with it. I avoid it with escapism.
I have always thought I wasn’t good enough or I have issues or that something’s wrong with me.
I do the bare minimum because I’m scared of failure and I kind of expect it. Why try your best if you know you’re gonna get criticism and failure?