about 4 or 5 years ago I discovered I have adhd, got diagnosed, and started with medicine. I’m now 27 years old.
I struggle a lot with my adhd, I keep it mostly hidden because the last thing I ever want to be is that person who uses his adhd as an excuse, an excuse to be lazy or not do what he wants to do or to make bad decisions.
Ive accomplished a lot in my life , and also very little. I finally finished a college degree and now I’m looking for work. I say I’m looking for work but I haven’t, not really. I dread working a 40 hour week yet I also crave it more than anything. I’m living with family right now and as frustrating as they are I also feel like its the best decision.
I always feel like I’m either the smartest stupid person or the stupidest smart person. People who really get to know me and have deeper conversations typically tell me I’m very smart, significantly above average. I think we have all been told that at some point. My friends never really seem to hold that opinion. Probably because I’m a bit slow to take in new information verbally (I get distracted).
My therapist, my priest, and even people Ive just met have expressed how I was intelligent. To be clear I’m not saying I’m the smartest person by any means, but I have a drive to know and understand basically everything. There is so much stuff in my head but its like having a library without a system of organization.
I can take huge amounts of stimulus and use it, but I can’t control it. I’ll give you an example. One of my favorite types of video games is battle Royal. Its like the perfect adhd game. lets take Cod:warzone. The game starts, you see the flight path, quickly you taking a lot of factors. Direction of the plane, where the circle is, points of interest on the map, other plays jumping out of the plans. All of that contributes to an awareness of where hotspots will be and so then I need to decide if I want to jump in a hotspot or not, and if not where. I have seconds to make a plan of action and jump based on the information given. Then you jump, as you fly through the air you look around seeing other people falling as well. You make a mental note where they are falling, direction, and split second glance at the map to make assumptions about where they will be landing. Then you land, you start looting. All the while keeping an eye on the map, if a mission icon vanishes that means a player took it so someone is there. If you hear a box open, footsteps, or gunshots thats more data as well. A door is open you didn’t go in, more info. Its a massive amount of nonverbal stimulus being thrown at you to interpret and I don’t even have to cognitively think about it. Its like when your reading a book and no long see the words on the page but just experience the story in your head. I don’t think about these things I Just absorb them and know where dangerous areas are, if another player is somewhere, do we have line of sight on each other, ect.
That said I can’t do this with other things. There is no way to harness this in order to get a job in finance (my degree). I don’t understand how other peoples brains work so I’m constantly translating my own thoughts into ‘other people speak” because they don’t experience all the other stimulus around them. I know I can’t crack jokes sometimes because no one will have notice the thing I noticed even if it seems obvious.
I’m perpetually frustrated. I feel like a lazy idiot, but I don’t want to be. I want to work, I want to have a job and obsess over it and be the most efficient at it. i don’t know how to find one. The result is I’m 27 and living with my mom, basically given up on any romantic life, and struggling to find a job I can do from home since I’m high risk due to other medical issues.
I’m just so damn frustrated.