I usually use a throwaway account for any post that feels like it reveals something about me, but fuck it, I’m not in the mood to think of a username.
This type of isolation is really not good for me. I love to spend a lot of time alone, but this is more than I can handle. I’m texting, FaceTiming, even meeting up with friends (from a 6 foot distance), but I still just feel… crazy.
And I have this constant anxiety: “you have all this free time, and you aren’t doing any of the dozens of things you could be to advance your life right now.” I’ve got all these projects I want to finish. Projects which I’ve been told are good and worth doing, according to people who I trust. But I just have this feeling that if I start, I’ll get lost in it, and either make something awful or nothing at all. It’s so hard to get outside of your head, in general, and it’s harder with ADHD.
An exercise I tried yesterday is to think about myself the way I’d think of another person. And that made me feel good: I have accomplishments under my belt, talents that I’ve spent years working on, friends and family who love me and whom I love.
But then the self-doubt comes back, and that makes me anxious to the point where I can feel it in my stomach.
I’ve found, though, that if I go outside and interact with people at least a little every day, and have a good conversation or two, I can get myself into the kind of headspace where I can do the things I must do.
There wasn’t much purpose to this post beyond me needing to vent this to a group that may empathize. I love you all; please stay healthy.