First, if our parents are neurotypical, and we have neurotypical siblings, we’re the odd one, and are often blamed for things.
So we grow up with shame and inferiority not just from society, but from our parents.
Then as parents we may repeat the blaming that we grew up with. Not doing it is a heroic effort: we need to know what is a better way, we need to monitor ourself a lot, and we need a very good partner.
If one or both our parents are undiagnosed ADHDers, we may have grown up with being yelled at for small issues just because our parents were tired.
We may have grown up with a lot of gasslighting because our parent(s) didn’t remember what happened.
They may have given us their own shame and feelings of shortcomings.
They may have been to exhausted to help us regulate our own emotions and all the other executive functioning issues we struggle with.
They may have been in denial about our diagnosis because to them we’re normal.
They may have refused us meds, or when we became zombies, didn’t work to change our dosis or try new meds.
Many parents are great ofc, but what about us who had bad or even horrible parents?
Add undiagnosed ADHD to the general behaviour of narcissists and other entitled people, and we’re twice screwed.
And if we’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist, we may be easier to gaslight because of our poorer short term memory.
We may be quicker to forget how bad things are.
And we may struggle to learn from our mistakes.
My life, basically, before diagnosis and meds. Both my parents are undiagnosed ADHDers.
My stepdad is that guy everybody loves who treats his family like shit. My biodad was so awful my mum believe my stepdad is an angel. I was the scapegoat, and both my brother and halfbrother are entitled shits.
It sucks having ADHD and zero support from your family because they’re either too selfish or too self-absorbed to care about anyone but themself, no matter how much you’ve done for them.