Sorry for how negative this is about to be. I’m in a I-Hate-My-ADHD place right now.
I’m ashamed of my memory: my inability to remember the past, my quickness to forget things in the present, and the way I will literally misremember an entire memory. It’s probably the symptom of my ADHD that frustrates and hurts me the most.
Everyday and multiple times a day, I find myself forgetting what I wanted to do, what I was supposed to do, and what I was doing before. The “what” could be something small (like forgetting to bring my phone upstairs with me), or it could be something super immediate and important (like writing an time-sensitive, important application). Sometimes I’ll forget it for hours or days. I cope by making lists, setting alarms, and verbalizing. But often I forget I made the list or I forget to label the alarm. Verbalizing is ineffective, too. My verbal learning is awful. I always laugh it off at first, but as the day progresses and I forget more and more, I end up feeling hopeless and dumb.
And I cannot count on my fingers (let alone remember…) the amount of times I’ve misremembered entirely. I’ll be having a conversation with someone about a shared memory, and I could swear on my life that I remember this happening, and them saying that, but in reality remember it all wrong. Sometimes it truly feels like the person I’m talking to is gaslighting me. Or maybe I’m playing a trick on myself. This happens often, and I’m left feeling confused, embarrassed, and frustrated.
Being home (bc of the pandemic) and around family all day only makes the whole experience worse. They see all of it, witness every lapse in memory, and it’s humiliating.