I had my list of things to do for today. But, I slept at 3am, woke up at 10.30am, gave myself some positive talk, got up and did some stuff.
‘It’s okay, it’s not going to be successful every day, plus this is the beginning of your journey in managing ADHD’. That’s what I tell myself. It works sometimes.
Maybe it is because I am jobless at the moment and I have far too much time on my hands, therefore my brain is going nuts right now, but I am starting to struggle with being happy about my life and it’s trajectory because of just one thing:
I cannot decide what to do with myself.
For 18 years I’ve jumped on different ideas. I started and stopped 2 degrees because in the moment I thought ‘yeah!! This is it!’, and no…But I finally completed my 3rd degree that I hated. Great. Kind of. At least it’s done.
This has affected everything. I’ve only had low paid jobs. Office work. I resent it, now. I feel miserable at just the thought of having to apply again but I have no choice. My CV is littered with it.
I’m just so tired of my brain just hopping around, and the worse of all is I can’t control it. I’ve tried. But I end up feeling like I am trying to trap a quick slithering snake or tame an out-of-control 3 year old. I end up getting anxious and start to self-harm if I even try. So, I don’t try.
The ADHD can be so annoying that I even change opinion on if I have ADHD or not.
The way I dress is a reflection of how I feel. I dress in greys, dark blues, and blacks. I don’t feel colourful. I feel depressed and empty.
Look, I know I have strength in me and if it wasn’t for it, I’d have been making crap decisions. I’m the most stable I’ve ever been in my life, but this s**t dogs me constantly. It dogs me so bad that I just want to see a psychiatrist and be diagnosed. I want medicine. Adderall, whatever. Maybe then I can wake up and not have a jungle of thoughts, or a constant song lyric in my head, or maybe I won’t be talking to myself because of the intensity of it all.
I’m completely jealous and angry that people have good paying jobs. I’ve never known what it feels like to be comfortable, financially. My friend who is also ADHD has a very well paid job and he complains that it is hard and boring. I feel like screaming at him ‘don’t you know how good you have it!?? Financially?? the fact that you have a job which pays well and has prospects!?’
I shouldn’t be angry at him. But, I’m becoming angry at the world. I’m utterly fed up at what ADHD has done to me.
I saw a post just now and someone wrote up a common phrase: ‘Jack of all trades, master of none’.
Do you know HOW HAPPY I would be to be a master of one.
I’d choose that over the hell I’m going through, any day.
It’s a bad day, clearly.