If I could change one thing about my brain, it HAS to be this, no contest. It’s exhausting. I’m convinced that there’s a constant cycle with no end in sight, and one of the many things that medication doesn’t seem to fix.
First, I find an obsession with something. It can be extremely niche or extremely common, such as learning an instrument. It’s all I want to do and it’s all that excites me.
Then, it gets boring. What filled my life with so much color and possibility turns gray and lifeless. Whether it’s a week or a month later, it never fails. So… so much for that $100 a month gym membership that I have to pay for the rest of the year. Oh and that piano I impulsively bought? It’ll just have to collect dust for a couple years at least.
Shortly after that, something else fills it’s shoes again. The thing is, no matter what, I’ll never be able to tell if it’s just another phase that I’ll come to dread, or if it just so happens to be what I’ll spend the rest of my life doing. Even if I could, how could I ignore and move past the ONE thing that can captivate my attention? There’s always that thought in the back of my head, that maybe this time it’ll be that one that doesn’t fade. It even goes beyond just hobbies and interests. I can’t keep important habits like self care or make improvements upon myself.
But the worst part about all of this is, no matter how many things I dabble in and fall in love with, I can’t even be the jack of all trades. As soon as the next thing comes along, I’d have forgotten everything about the last. It’s as if I can’t make progress in anything and I’m at a complete impasse. How do I find a passion, or where to go in life when my interests change bi-weekly? How do I even conceptualize my identity and who I am when I can’t find anything external to identify with that lasts more than a couple months?
I’ve seen it’s a popular opinion to see people with ADHD as the epitome of the saying “jack of all trades, master of none” throughout my life. To those here who this applies to, I hope it hasnt caught you up in a web like it has for myself. There’s things I love about my ADHD and there’s the things I don’t, but this is definitely the worst.