I’m sorry if this is all over the place, I’ll try and make it coherent as best as I can.
Basically, I’m a psychology student (senior year) and have been diagnosed by multiple professionals for depression and anxiety. One of those times a psychiatrist gave me really strong sleeping pills for my insomnia that are very addictive if used wrong and she didn’t bother to follow up and it was all very unconventional tbh. My mum is a pharmacist and vehemently against meds of most kind unless they’re for migraines or pain. So when I bought my antidepressant and sleeping med i said it was for a friend etc until she found out and harsh words were exchanged including that im basically a druggie for beinf unable to sleep properly without the meds and tbh the AD did nothing but cancel my mood fluctuations nothing else and the “really strong sleeping pill” was barely helping me fall asleep or stay asleep for more than an hour without waking up. Anyways i got off both because i just wanted to avoid the confrontation and the accusations and they were barely putting a dent on any symptoms I was sufferinf from. Fast forward now 2 years later while we’re studying educational disorders and diagnosis in depth and I realised that while the mood aspect of depression is lifted a lot of times my other symptoms (plus added ones like the hyperfocus, hyperactivity, etc) were still present. People assume I’m jittery because of anxiety, that I can’t sit still in a classroom because of anxiety etc. I just realised that my symptoms add up more to adhd especially after asking my mum about my behaviour growing up because i have nearly zero memory of any childhood. After getting answers I tried to explain my theory and my plan to visit clinical psychologist for diagnosis and move forward because lately (I guess due to quarantine) things have been getting worse and my assignments are taking the brunt of it by either being unable to absolutely start them at all or start them so late that they’re rushed and filled with tiny mistakes or huge mistakes because I’m just following a thought process that never flows fluently. She starts arguing with me about how I’m fine and how I got better when I grew up (it just manifested in different ways that aren’t clear to her because they’re either seen as quirks of mine or deliberate actions like not paying attention, staying with one activity for long, impulsivity etc) and I just want to be a victim with a problem and I just think this is it because of class and because I like the idea of being medicated like before.
I’m sorry for the long as hell post I know I should ignore it and move forward but it’s making me feel like crap. It also hurts because I was desperate to function when I took those meds even if I knew that wasn’t right and right now I just want confirmation or reassurance that all these years the multiple treatments I got and didnt work isnt because im hopeless and it’s because I’ve been getting treatment for the wrong diagnosis entirely. I just want answers, I just want to be able to function properly without every freaking action taking so much energy just to focus on it and the irritability and the amount of things I screw up because I act and talk without thinking first. Im tired of being a screw up and I’m tired of being tired and feeling guilty about all of this. I don’t know if this is just a rant or if I’m asking how I can help her see this or if it’s hopeless to get understanding or if she’s right. I genuinely do not know.
If you read all of this thank you and I’m so sorry for this giant useless mess of a post.