hey gang, it’s 5am and I’m coming out of lurking to get my weekend screw-up off my chest to some understanding folks and maybe get some sleep! Got diagnosed a few months ago, trying meds + therapy with some success, but old habits die hard. tl;dr at bottom, this gets long.
It’s my SO’s birthday this week. She planned me a huge surprise party with all my best friends a few months back before everything went to hell with Covid, so you’d expect me to do the same right? Wrong 🙂 My lifelong issue for context: if I can’t do it perfectly in the fewest steps possible, my brain short-circuits and I won’t do it at all. Thinking about step one gives me anxiety about step two and before you know it, I’m two credits short of a bachelor’s degree for an entire year because I literally cannot finish one relatively easy class that gave me hell. But anyways. Birthday fuckup.
My thought pattern about two months ago, up to a week ago, was as follows:
I have to plan something! I should invite her friends.
Not sure who to invite. Best friends obvs. Can they even come though? I think one’s quarantined still. Is it dumb to even ask?
The apartment is so messy, god, I’d have to clean first
I suck at planning big gatherings. I suck at planning anything. Oh no. I’m gonna plan something shitty and embarrassing. My party will make her feel like crap. She’s been wanting to camp I’ll just take her camping she’d love that. All my camping shit is already together at my mom’s, I’ll just think about that later. But she planned me a whole party!!!!! I’m gonna forget to invite someone important. She’ll be so disappointed. This place is so MESSY.
And then my stroke of genius: do nothing and just don’t think about it! Inevitably that blew up in a variety of both broad and very specific ways when it came out that I didn’t have a big surprise party, and despite that panic didn’t even consider just getting a cake and having one or two people over, and then tried to put a bandaid on it by revealing that wait! I’m not completely thoughtless, I’ve been talking to people about the logistics of taking her camping this weekend! Oh it’s gonna rain? I didn’t even think to check the weather, my bad. Yeah, no, yeah I did plan this, not thoroughly but I did plan to take you. Do you think I’m lying to you? What’s wrong with you- No, I’m sorry, yep, sorry, I could’ve just told you and let you invite friends to your own thing. I’m sorry.
And now she’s comforting ME (after our third argument about it) because I’ve been in and out of a deep depression for a few months, and now I feel more awful because I can’t set aside my vivid and intense emotional soup for five minutes to even attempt to make this right. She went back to bed and asked me to join her with a smile even though she’s the one getting massively screwed over and bitched at, and I’m here vibrating and typing and texting my therapist so I don’t go too far off the deep end before my day even starts.
tl;dr – made my SO feel like I don’t care about her and ruined her birthday week, and I have to go to work in two hours spiraling down a thought loop of all the times I ruined things that are extremely important to me. F.