Most of the time if I get in a disagreement or argument with someone, especially when it doesn’t take place immediately after the events that prompted it, I trust that the other person is reasonable and level-headed and I probably got worked up over something unreasonable. And because my memory is shitty and instant-recall is definitely not my strong suit, if they say it happened different than I remember than I try to take their word for it.
This means I tend to assume that I’m more than half in the wrong, and I apologize appropriately for my part in the situation. By “more than half in the wrong” I mean situations are almost never 100% one person’s fault, but that doesn’t mean it’s not mostly one person’s fault or the other’s. So when someone respect and trust and think is reasonable tells me I over reacted or was unreasonable I try to trust them and make it right.
But sometimes, sometimes god damn it I know that I am right (or at most less than 10% in the wrong) and the onus is on the other person to make amends.
But because I can’t trust myself to remember things correctly even in those situations I question myself. Am I really remembering it right? Why would they say it’s on me if it’s not? They love me and wouldn’t place blame unfairly. But damnit I can only be the one in the wrong so much of the time, it’s not always my fault, and we’re all flawed so sometimes it must be their fault. But if they’re a good friend or close family remember and we love each other, maybe I should take the blame anyway. Except that’s not fair to me! And it doesn’t really fix the situation. And it creates a dangerous dynamic to always assume I’m in the wrong. But how can I be sure it happened the way I remember and not the way they say it did? It’s probably somewhere in the middle, but where in the middle, more on their side or mine? What if I’m hurting our relationship over something I should just let go? But if it’s big enough that me not letting it go hurts the relationship, then isn’t it too big to just ‘let it go’? Or am I just being selfishly stubborn because I need a win once in a while?
In times like this I wish I wore a body camera, so that I could replay what happened. It would still be from my perspective, but at least I would hear exactly what was said on both sides and the exact order in which things happened so that I could be more sure of myself and respond accordingly.