I’m not interested in hearing the same basic shit about how this can be a good trait. I know it can be. It is a gift…if you don’t have to worry about money ever.
I hate this the most because people thing I’m a really smart person, and I have now spoken to three therapists who tell me I seem to ” have figured out the issues, and seem to just think alot, and that’s okay buddy!”
I’m really considering asking to be put on something with my Adderall. Something that will quiet my mind.
Long ago before adderall, and my diagnosis, I was deep into a benzo addiction which I look back on as one of the best periods in my life… at least in moments like this, where I cannot make my mind shut the fuck up about the chapter in my novel I have already written out. I am still acting out the parts in my head, and I am struggling to make it stop. I will stand in a fucking room for ten minutes, acting the scene out in my mind before I remember that I have already written it
I’m just so deeply into this story, I’ve had the idea since high school. It is truly a world in my mind now, but putting it on paper and really telling this story is entirely dominating all control over my MIND. I feel like I’m a living vessel for the characters and events of this fictional world, and I’m losing my mind as some kind of spiritual birth process.
This problem, when described to therapists, friends, and family is called just “a creative kick” but mine are truly intense and much much more than just a flow state for a few minutes. It is DAYS, weeks, sometimes it is months that I will spend locked into a subject, entirely imprisoned within my mind’s fucking starvation for knowledge and creation.
If my mind was an engine, I’d have the check engine light on. But the mechanic said it’s cuz I’ve got a fast car and not to worry. Does that make sense?
What I’m trying to say is, well, I don’t know. I just want this to stop, and therapy, and meditation do not silence my mind. I want to stop thinking. I just wanna be like everyone else, not thinking, just relaxing. I want to look at a problem, or an activity and think “whew, not tonight, I’m BEAT. Time for a beer!” Not “thank God I’m done performing the required duties to sustain existence, now i can feed my brain with as much of what it needs that I can.