I’m really here sitting on my bed after two good friends of mine just left my place. I am a disaster but somehow the people in my life still love and support me. I don’t deserve this and there’s many people who don’t have people like that in their life. My brains running so fast I can’t even catch up to what’s happening but damn I’m blessed.
Being depressed, anxious and diagnosed with ADHD last October, I am barely managing taking care of myself at all. I just finished my two year post secondary program, I guess you would say graduated but it doesn’t even feel like I really did it. But now that it’s behind me, I’ve felt so much more free and not always weighed down with the guilt of having assignments/projects to do. That has felt so nice like I literally have been so f*cked for the past couple years and it’s finally done. I can spend time with my friends without feeling like I’m just avoiding things, I can play with my nephew without feeling as though I should be locked away in my basement working on my assignments that I continuously fell behind with until their done..
I’m such a mess and really don’t have my shit together – barely know where to start. But man, I really do have people in my life that care to see me succeed and want to see me happy. It just sucks that they want it more for me than I’ve wanted it for myself and I’ve been so messed up that I’ve done such a poor job at really showing my family and the few close friends that I love them. It really breaks my heart that they’ve been supporting me while I’m literally just ruining my life with self destructive behaviour. I really want to give them all the world but i can’t even take care of myself. I’m supposed to be an independent, functioning, contributing member to society and I can’t even do the simple things. I’m really crying right now cause I know I want to put my life together but I keep messing it up and wasting it away. I’m scared I’m gonna lose everything and everyone that I have which I honestly don’t deserve and I wish it went to someone who would take the reigns and make a good life out of it. Fuck I’m a mess with so much love but my brain is so fucked that I can’t love others properly let alone myself. Damn it I feel like I’m gonna die regretting how much I took my whole life for granted being mentally unhealthy and struggling. I just want to give my best to those who’ve shown me love as well as those who haven’t but I can’t a do a damn thing to even show myself some love.
TLDR; I’m super mentally unstable while I’m truly blessed and I wasting my life away not caring for those I love so I’m here crying about it cause I’m overwhelmed and feel like I can’t give them what they deserve.